The Worst Job I Can’t Quit

I’m broken! I hate being a mom! And this keyboard is the only one that will listen. This is hands down the worst job I’ve ever had. From being a waitress at a shitty restaurant to deployments.. .This is the worst!

colic crying fussy baby

I never wanted kids. My sister had children at a young age, I knew that wasn’t for me. I was curious what my kids might look like but that was as far as it went. So when I got pregnant on birth control- No I’m not an idiot, I realize how babies are made and I took birth control VERY serious. We used MULTIPLE precautions especially after returning from a deployment.

 

My mom had an abortion before I was born and she was still working on forgiveness and healing 20 years later. Her story and some scare tactics from the pregnancy crisis center were why I chose this life. Maybe I would change, maybe this would be great, maybe I would enjoy being a mom and letting go of my career goals.

 

I had a colic baby that looked nothing like me. I was devastated! A fussy scrawny little girl. I was so sleep deprived, malnourished, defeated! I was mad!

I was mad at the clinic,

I was mad at my friends and family,

I was mad at this baby,

I was mad at my husband,

I was mad at God,

I was mostly mad at myself

How could I make such a huge mistake? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I love being a mom? Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy this baby?

 

So fast forward 4 years and we have another birth control baby. I’m telling you this is more common than you’d think. I hear it alot! At this point our relationship is already at a breaking point and the thought of doing it all over again..FML. Not to mention, I was finally gaining momentum with my business and my husband was leaving for a deployment….. Fucking awesome.

I had so much faith and hope that this baby was going to be different. No one I had talked to had TWO colic babies! EVERYONE said this one will be so different. They were all wrong! He’s EXACTLY the same! So here I am, frustrated with two kids doing it alone.

I hate my keyboard,

I hate my friends and family,

I hate my husband,

I hate God or whoever is in control of this shit show,

I hate myself.

How did I make this mistake again!?! Why me? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I love being a mom? What am I doing wrong to make this baby so miserable ?

 

I want to run away, I want to clock out, eat, sleep, do something other than deal with kids who seemingly hate the person that keeps them on this earth.

 

I’ve finally realized after lots of drinking and crying-

I love my kids, I hate being a mom!

Yes you can judge me all you want, I get it all the fucking time. Why does everyone think they’re so righteous to judge and criticize ? I’ve been bullied more as a mother than I’ve ever experienced in my 30 years of life. Your kids are nothing like my kids! You are nothing like me! At the end I can list all the things we tried.. So you can stop with the unsolicited parenting advice right now.

“You should be happy”

  • Yes, please tell me what I should be. That is extremely helpful for a stressed out broken woman to hear what they SHOULD be feeling. I would love to instantly change how I feel… it’s just not that easy. This is a traumatic event for me. Much like grieving, there’s no “one size fits all”  “just deal with it” “Suck it up buttercup”

“Do you know how many women would love to be in your shoes?”

  • Yes, I have friends right now that want a child more than anything in the world right now. Just like that is a struggle and an emotional roller coaster for them.. It is also for me. Other women wanting children doesn’t make me love being a mom. Does that make sense? I would use an analogy comparing two totally different wars if I knew anything about history. 

“There are so many parents praying for a child, do you realize how selfish you sound?”

  • Yes, I’m selfish! That’s exactly why I never had a desire for children. I was completely content in my selfish debt free world!

“They’re healthy, you should be grateful”

  • Yes, they are healthy. That’s how they were given to me. I can’t take credit for their health. Their very existence came from something bigger than myself that I will probably never understand. Whoever is in charge of all this knew I couldn’t possibly handle an ill child. Being a mom is enough of a challenge.  I am grateful that they are alive and healthy. I’m not grateful for my struggle as a mother.

“You’re going to miss this”

  • False! My 4 year old was so fussy and awful. On a regular basis we would say how we hated the baby phase and that we were so glad it was over. I will not miss this baby stage at all. I will not miss being a single parent.

 

My friend said these kids willed themselves into this world, that they chose me because they’re so powerful they needed an easy going mom.

 

I feel like the worst mom. I can’t even get my infant to stop crying- something so natural. My poor 4 year old is left to fend for herself. I’m pretty sure she’s surviving off candy that she stashed away in her toy room. I miss my 4 year old, she’s just a fog in this whole experience.

 

While I love my kids so very much, I absolutely fucking hate being a mom! I’m a bad mom. I’m telling it like it is because I’m sure there’s at least one other lost crying mom with the same feelings right now. And we need to stick together because this mom shit is HARD!!

 

List of things we tried for our fussy babies that didn’t work

Gripe water

Holistic bead Necklace (4 of them because they kept breaking)

RX for reflux

Gas drops

Weird herbs

Baby tea

Chiropractor

Reiki healing (worked better than anything)

Massages

Pumping legs

Expensive formula

Swings

Rocking

Bouncing

Teething products

Probiotics

Rock n play

Essential oils

Baths

Sitting upright and burping more

Tummy time

Holding them 24/7

Cry it out (hours)

Strollers

Car rides

Saging the house

Music

Vibration bouncer

Dryer

Praying

Screaming

Any over the counter product that advertises “colic” or “fussy”

 

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